Alright Goddamn

Allow me to scream here for a few moments.

My roommate on the other side of the room is convulsing in some kind of shrieking seizure of happiness. I'm not familiar with this. Maybe she's dealing with stress.

I'm getting to the point in the semester when I'm chalking up all my inability to do elbow-grease school work to the tyranny of my professors. Who knows. All I know is I'm damn ready to be out of here, out of school in general. Sometimes I wish I could just go and work at Dollar General all day, but I know that wouldn't work. Stress is my lifestyle choice. Why? Probably something that makes me a bad person, like how it makes me feel superior to other people in some way.

It seems like everyone's motivation in life is to become somehow superior to someone else. Maybe that's my cynical viewpoint and it's overly simplistic. It's got to be--else how do we explain love? How do we explain parenting. Sure there's some hierarchy, but it comes out of love, right? Even if put cynically, parenting comes out of a perverse self-love that makes us see our child as a version of ourselves that has the chance to do it right.

Where does this desire to be superior come from? I'm in this class right now where this professor keeps harping on courtship and rivalry, and oh how aren't they really the same thing after all. Bitch please I've got conspiracy theories coming out my ears just give me a coffee and your full attention and I'll prattle at you for so long that the entire world seems like it's out to get you. You against the world.

Yet there's something to this rivalry thing--she talks about how rivalry is the whole same-but-in-the-opposite-direction from courtship. These two happen when we notice someone we're similar to, and the distinction comes when we try to either draw them closer or distinguish ourselves as superior. Okay, modern life. We don't use those words anymore. The ideas stick to me, though. Like I think about the girls I hate the most, and they're probably the ones who are most like myself, just gone awfully wrong with bad intentions and malevolent desires. They're evil I promise. I'm surrounded with people like myself so I want to make myself seem superior if only to seem different. Difference is better? Maybe.

I've been coming to the realization that my mentality is very much Me against the world, I'm a one-man army with the purest cause. I don't know. Am I just voicing what it's like to feel interiority and feel protective over my own identity? Are others just more fashioned to see themselves primarily as social beings. I've always been a loner, so it's very likely that's where I get all this stupid interiority. I actually used to play with my navel.

Also. I find myself kind of inventing my childhood. Re-interpreting, if you will. It definitely wasn't coherent, I can tell you that right now. There wasn't any grand thesis that said "Andri's childhood will be a symbol of rejection and isolation, the cause of her tragic self-protectionism." I generally construct myself as a sad character in the movie of my life. My fiction professor said he did the same thing too. I pity myself, but I consider it horrible charity (as well as a form of claiming superiority over me) when someone else pities me.

My hair barrette says "Made in France." I learned to use the word "francophile" as a derogatory remark recently (Andri, learn some new words. Read a book sometime.) which is a new fun kind of way to insult people, but it also kills a little bit of me that still wants to image I can live the Parisian bohemian lifestyle. We have these foolish fantasies, but should we give them up just for that? Do I have to be so "real" all the time. Haha, I feel so street compared to these Vandy kids. GOD are they naive. But then the hipsters are just stupid too. I don't know. Don't judge, you know.

Get some sleep fucker.

Also, I agreed with myself that this would be the last meaningless post about my fee-hee-heelings. From now on, solid material with purpose! Or was that the French Revolution?